Tania's Words

here is an empty shell- a resonant shadow- waiting

On why sleep is the anti-craft.

I must have stored a lot up in this lil’ head of mine because last night I could not sleep- I felt as though I was mentally blogging for hours. It was like a switch I could not flip off. This is lame (yes lame) because  not only is sleep a rare and precious commodity in my life at the moment, but also because I don’t remember any of it now. Do you ever wish you had some sort of recording system in your bedroom at night? I often find myself half awake, thinking through a poem that has been nagging at me, tweaking the potential plot of a novel I wish to write, or blogging away. Of course I am much too tired to get up and write any of it down, and come morning- Poof! Gone. Or mostly gone.

As the poet who has not stopped chasing the perfect poetic moment, this is frustrating. The times when I have actually gotten my self out of bed to write whatever it is I have been mulling over, it never comes out quite right, or just the way I was thinking it. This is why I propose the development of some sort of high tech psychic recording device. As you are lulled to sleep by your internal dialogue, just press the button next to your bed and it will all be recorded for you. Of course, the implications of any kind of device that can record or read your thoughts are far to frightening to seriously contemplate. But still. I’m staking my claim in this idea. Along with my theory that new mothers should receive mainline IV’s which supply them with a constant supply of caffeine. Maybe then I wouldn’t have to support this Diet Coke habit. Think how much formula and how many diapers I could purchase with the leftover money.

As is only natural, I have the feeling I’ll be in here a lot in the next few days- I haven’t blogged since April of 2008, so there is a lot stored up in here. After a while I am sure I’ll slow down.  I hope this won’t become tiresome. There are so many things I feel like I have to say. I love my son completely, but the majority of my day is spent talking to a darling 13 lb bundle of joy whose repertoire consists of “ahhh”, “baaa” and a strange noise characterized by squeals and growls which has no real phonetic counterpart. After a while, one starts to seriously long for adult conversation.  And if one is me, this longing often translates into an ongoing internal monologue.  Forgive me if I feel the need to share this internal monologue several times a day.

I’ve added some new blogs to my blog roll today- Kudos to Roz for getting me thinking about New Year’s Resolutions. I am not a resolution girl. I’ve always just tried to promise myself to be the best person I could, and to never stop growing and learning.  That is not to say that I don’t make, set and occasionally accomplish goals for myself. It is more that new goals are constantly occurring to me, and I prefer to set my mind to working on them as they come to me. For example, after I had the baby, I decided I would try to lose the massive amounts of baby weight I gained by Parker’s first birthday.    In December, after some honest self-reflection, I realized I needed to do some serious work in forgiving myself for mistakes I have made. Other things that have occurred to me recently- I’d like to read and write more poetry than I have been, and I would really like to attend some sort of creative workshop this year. We will see how that goes though.   I wonder, if, in the end, it all amounts to the same thing. As evolving, growing people, don’t self evaluation and the promise to do something better/different/new amount to nothing more than a resolution to change? Does it matter what time of the year this revelation falls at?

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2 Comments»

  Maura wrote @

You are full swing on the blog wagon! You go!

  rozelynne wrote @

I am in the same boat as you (although not so sleep deprived). I found myself composing a blog post in the shower this morning-so much that I literally stopped shampooing my hair and stared at the tiled wall!

About about a notebook beside the bed with a little flashlight/booklight? Then you could stay in bed, grab pen and paper, and scribble down just enough to preserve your thoughts?

I agree that resolutions should not just be for New Year’s. I make birthday resolutions too–I think any type of milestone makes me reflective and in the right spirit to think about what I would like to change. I think it’s great you can make resolutions without something goading you into it!

I think you should take your own advice and follow some of what Emily has done: set some concrete goals. Dr. Phil (yes, I sometimes watch it) made a good point one day: how can you keep a resolution/make a change if you don’t know exactly what you’re aiming for?


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