Tania's Words

here is an empty shell- a resonant shadow- waiting

Does feeling it make it so?

I think it must be in the air. I’ve been reading others blogs and there seems to be a general feeling of suppressed creativity.  I think most writers (and I speak for writers because that is the only art I really know. I would say all artists, but I can’t be sure), feel this way at one time or another. As if something is rising up through them, but they don’t know what it is just yet. I can feel this today, inside. I have a story to tell, words to place. They are unfamiliar yet. I don’t know their shape or meaning.

There are times when I love feeling this way. It is a feeling that reminds me that I still have it. I still have the drive and desire to write. That there is still something tangible that I want to grab a hold of. I don’t know if all writers feel this, but I worry that one day, it will be gone. That I will wake up numb and not even realize. Not even miss it. Does that make sense?

Conversely, I dislike this feeling because it feels stuck. Static. I feel like I want to be writing something meaningful and true, but I don’t know what it is yet. And sometimes, nothing happens. I end up crocheting like a madwoman or reading some Sharon Olds and just forgetting about it because nothing comes.

I feel like I know what I want to write-  a story idea that came to me in the midst of a 4 am feeding. It might be absolute lunacy, considering my state of mind at the time. However, I’ve learned that I can do it. I realize that sounds completely hokey. But it is true. Completing my NaNo novel in ’07 taught me that I absolutely can write a book. Before I did NaNo, I was always afraid that I didn’t have enough story in me. That I wasn’t creative enough to write a whole book. Especially after years of poetry writing, during which I learned agonize over each word., when I struggled to learn the art of speaking in four words what should take 50.  Unlearning and allowing myself to use as many as possible (50,000 ideally), was a struggle, but I did do it.

Ok, so maybe my NaNo novel is no masterpiece.  In my defense, it was written on a whim, in 30 days.  And maybe I’ll never complete it, and there is a great chance that no one will ever be allowed to read it, but that is ok. Because I can look at it and know that I have it in me.I feel that I must add though, that all this talk about being a writer is making me a bit self conscious. As if others will read it and think, ” How presumptuous for her to call herself a writer.”  I’m not published, not many have read what I have to offer, and I may not even be great, good or mediocre. Does feeling something inside make it so? All of my life I have known that this is what I love more than anything. That I have the desire to write. Does this make me a writer, or is that insanity and arrogance?

Now if only I had some spare cash and a room of my own. Instead, I think I’ll go make a bottle and plot my strategy for writing during afternoon nap time.

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3 Comments»

  twentyorsomething wrote @

Great post, I can completely relate. There are so many times when I feel a story (or even a blog post, strangely enough) building inside of me, but I can’t put my finger on it, like it’s just not ready to be told. Only, I worry that if I let go of that feeling, I’ll never get it back, and that story will be lost.

Some words of advice I recently heard was that sometimes you have to just let it go, that it will come back if it means something to you. And the best way to do that? Write. Write stories, write poetry, write blog posts, write lists.

It’s easier said than done because of responsibility and time restraints, which is what I’ve been dealing with lately, as you know, but it’s really the best advice I’ve ever been given. Don’t give up. A writer is who you are, not what you do.

Best of luck!

  Holly wrote @

Starting my nightly reading, I opened my book. Trying to remember where I had left off, I opened to a page with a very small dog ear. I read, “The process of writing a book is the process of outgrowing it. Disciplinary criticism comes too late. You aren’t going to write that one again anyway. When you start another – the horizons have receded and you are just as cold and frightened as you were with the first one.”-John Steinbeck on writing after The Grapes of Wrath.

  Holly wrote @

p.s. I like your wordle. Is that what that is?


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