Tania's Words

here is an empty shell- a resonant shadow- waiting

In which she’d like to garden more.

Oh man, where to even begin.  Long absences should signal an incredibly busy and productive life. Unfortunately for me, they haven’t.  I have been feeling completely bamboozled and overwhelmed by my own life lately. Partly I think it had to do with the fact that I am now watching my ten month old niece Paige. Partly I know that my health has been a factor, as well as the fact that both Paige and Parker have been sick off and on for the last three weeks. But for some reason, I am just so behind and frustrated. It seems that every week I have a million things to do and none of them get done. By the time the weekend rolls around, I am already exhausted, and although I look forward to the weekend with just Parker as time to catch up on the housework and such, there is always something else going on. Relay for Life stuff, family stuff, stuff in general.

Saturday, I sat down with Maura and tried to figure out what I had done all week that my house was such a mess, my laundry was undone for the second week in a row, and my floors were filthy. I had no idea. By the time Saturday night rolled around, I was so overwhelmed I was crying all over poor Dan’s shoulder, feeling like a complete failure at life, motherhood, everything.

A tad over dramatic, yes. But there it was. I woke up on Sunday feeling marginally better. I had a wonderful Mother’s Day, which helped settle me down. That and the realization that I cannot beat myself up by comparing myself to other women, other mothers and other families. I tend to look at my sister and Maura, who are super organized, very efficient, wonderful women. I might be wonderful (you’d have to ask Dan), but I am not organized or efficient. It is hard to see women like these, who work, have kids and husbands, and their houses (no matter what they tell you) are always clean, organized.  Maura works out regularly, Pilar makes all of Paige’s food from scratch with all organic materials. I don’t ever want to work out any more because on my list of forty things to do, it is last. I never even considered making Parker’s food from scratch. Heck, most days I still have no idea what to feed him.

I am sure there must be some things I am doing right, but lately, it doesn’t feel like it. And the worst part is that when I feel like I have no time to do the things I must,  I know I must give up the things I really want. I’d love to be playing in the garden, and I wanted to plant a veggie garden this year. No time. I’d like to get back to working out, but honestly, I don’t have the energy right now.  I’d really like to be blogging more, working on my book, being active on my writer’s and readers page. But right now, there is dinner to cook, a porch to paint, hours of laundry to be done, and underneath the everyday mess, my house is dirty.

Well, at least I started the day with a massive to do list, and am trying to cross things off of it. I am hoping it will keep me focused and organized, if not forever, then at least for the week. As a reward, I also made a wish list of plants for the garden that I want to plant. Hopefully I will get this list done by the end of the week, and if I do, I’ll get myself some plants, and find a magical hour or two in which to plant them.

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1 Comment»

  Tania wrote @

Gah! Don’t beat yourself up over not being like this person or that person. I can guarantee that there are things you do that they don’t have the time to do. I know it’s easier said than done. Mom-guilt is a difficult emotion to shake. But shake it we must!

If it makes you feel any better, I hardly ever work out. I think my last workout was about two weeks ago. And I have a cleaning lady who comes every two weeks. It’s all in the name of the craft, I tell myself. Convincing myself is something else entirely. 🙂


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