Tania's Words

here is an empty shell- a resonant shadow- waiting

Archive for February, 2011

On being bamboozled by life

Let’s see, what did Tania do today.

I slept. I ate. I watched bad reality tv, some re runs of Glee. I was absolutely, unequivocably bored. So freaking bored.

Today was Day Two of Dan’s getting Tania healthy campaign. As I finally succumbed to the death cold that has been making the rounds, Dan decided to take yesterday off work (he had today off), so he could watch Parker while I focused on getting better.  First let me say, my husband is a treasure. He makes me delicious grilled cheese sandwiches, and fully encourages me to eat ice cream in the middle of the day. After he goes to buy it.  But two days of laying around watching tv, no matter how crappy I was feeling (very, very crappy)…it got old.

Let me just say, that at first it seems great. But when you are used to having your time be constantly in demand, used to feeling like you always have ten million things to do, time enough to do only one million, and the will to do about 0, having lots of unstructured time can be a terrible thing.

I could have spent the time reading. Working on one of my three yet to be finished novels. Blogging, reading other peoples blogs, etc. I would have liked to be able to do stuff like clean and do laundry, but to be honest, I was a little too out of commission for that. Instead of doing any of the above, I spent hours rearranging my farm on Farmville. Playing Zuma Blitz in a sad attempt to beat my mother in laws high score (I came close but no cigar). Watching Sandra Bullock movies.

And then, it dawns on me. In three months, we have a new baby coming into our home. That means at least a six month hiatus from any real attempts at writing and editing. If I get my act together enough for Nano (which I could not do right after I had Parker), I’ll be shocked. And in these three months, I still have to get my house back together after the floor fiasco, get the baby stuff set up, and take care of all my Vice Chair responsibilities for Relay for Life. Let’s not even talk about the fact that Relay will be 21 days after my scheduled C Section, unless I can somehow convince this little guy to come the right way a little early.

The truth is, I am easily distracted. I lack focus and drive. I am continually bamboozled by my own life. My house is a mess, the inside of my head is a war zone, and I feel like I have no control in my life. And I know that about 80% of that is pregnancy related. I felt this way when I was pregnant with Parker; only this time I have all this extra anxiety. Out of nowhere, I am an anxiety riddled mess.  Hormones are the pits sometimes people.

At the end of the day, I feel like I need a plan. A plan that ensures that I will keep writing, keep editing, and keep persuing the things that make me happy.  I know that the odds that I’ll ever get published are small, and I don’t really care. I love writing, I love the books I am writing and working on, and I love that I am a writer. I don’t want to lose that in the chaos of being a mom, a wife, going back to school eventually…in life. So if you have a plan, suggestions, or ideas for me, please feel free to shoot them on over.