Tania's Words

here is an empty shell- a resonant shadow- waiting

On Postpardum Depression

You might have noticed that I’ve been absent for a while.  It started with my pregnancy; morning sickness wrecks havoc on the best laid plans, always. Then I had my son and was understandably tired.

But it’s more than that.

When my first son was born, I felt the most incredible rush of emotions. It’s hard to describe, the sense that suddenly everything is right. That you are exactly where you need to be. To understand finally, the depth and width of capacity for love that a human can experience.  The moment I heard Parker cry for the first time was the most profound experience of my life.

I worried constantly through my second pregnancy. How would I be able to love another person the way I loved Parker? Was I capable? I wondered if it would feel like dividing my love and grieved the idea that I might have to give up even an ounce of love I felt for Parker.  But I was reassured by other mothers. My best friend described it by explaining that it wasn’t about dividing your heart. Instead, she said, it felt like you grew a whole new heart for each child.

That sounded amazing.  I was signed up, I bought into it, I’d drunk the Kool-Aid.

Instead, the moment I heard Lucas crying I thought, I’m tired.

I tried to breast feed and felt nothing but crippling anxiety.

Our first day home from the hospital I stood, petrified in our family room, crying. Trying to assure my very worried husband that I was okay, but something was wrong. I was wrong. Everything felt off.

Where was that rush of love, that incredible feeling? That instant bond and the knowledge that this was what I was meant to do, who I was meant to be. Having Parker felt like finally finding my calling, motherhood fitting over me like a second skin. Only with Lucas it was like the skin was torn and shrunken, it’s warped weave making me vulnerable. And empty.

It’s been 9 months since I’ve had Lucas and for the first time, this week I was able to say, I have Postpardum Depression.

So I hope you don’t mind, because that is what this blog is going to be about for the time being.  Because we hear about it, we know about it. Moms say they’ve had it, but the reality of this kind of depression is like a dirty little secret. And no one wants to be the woman to admit, I feel nothing for my children. I know I love them, deep inside, somewhere I can’t feel it.  What kind of mother feels that way?

This one.

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10 Comments»

  TMS Therapy Mama wrote @

It is not you, it is PPD. I know it is different for everyone, but I can relate. I have had depression in the past but since my daughter was born a year and a half ago it has been really bad. I constantly feel like a terrible person and mother, feeling so detached all the time from my family, but that is the nature of the beast. I hope you are getting help and taking advantage of your supports. It is not your fault, and you are definitely not alone.

  taniamccue wrote @

Thank you for reaching out to me. I went over to your blog and am slowly reading it. I appreciate your words of encouragement.

  Maura wrote @

What a powerful thing to say. To admit the hardest thing you will probably ever have to admit to anyone. I am proud of you for taking something that is so hard for you and using it to make it easier for other moms to say out loud that they need help.

  taniamccue wrote @

It was hard, to publish this, but I felt like I had to. Mom’s talk about PPD and having it, but no one has ever really said (to me) that they felt anything like what I am feeling. The shame and guilt and self loathing that comes along with those feelings are incredible. If there is just one other woman out there going through something similar, I want her to know that it’s not her fault and she is not alone.

  Miriam wrote @

PPD is very scary, and very real, and you are a very strong and powerful person to admit it like this.

It ISN’T your fault. You AREN’T alone. You are wonderful, and beautiful, and amazing, and loved. ❤

  taniamccue wrote @

Thank you Meems. So Much. (hugs)

  Kristen Turner wrote @

Thank you for sharing your heart with us. You are in my prayers!

  taniamccue wrote @

Thank you so much Kristen.

  Julie Schiller wrote @

Tania, reading this at work almost made my cry at my desk out of love for you. You’re an amazing mom and both your sons are lucky to have such a great mom. I’m so proud of you for sharing this, it was so moving!

  taniamccue wrote @

thank you julie. I am hoping that blogging about it will help me come to terms with it, and maybe someone out there who needs to hear some bald honesty


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