Tania's Words

here is an empty shell- a resonant shadow- waiting

Another Day, Another Diagnosis.

In an effort to be the most honest and candid I can be, this blog will be very personal. There are somethings that I won’t share, because I don’t want to trigger others. As long as I think I have a voice that can be useful, I’m willing to share my experiences and stories with you.

I’ve said I knew soon after having Lucas that something was wrong. But I thought it was just the baby blues. This summer was hard- my mother was in the hospital for five weeks and I was distracted. I noticed, during that time, that I didn’t miss being with Lucas the way I missed Parker at that age. Being away from Parker for a few hours felt like torture. When I didn’t feel that for Luke, I thought it was exhaustion and stress and the fact that my focus was on my mother, who was so very ill.

After things settled down, I needed time to decompress and really start processing what had happened and how scary it had all been. I know that I started to have frightening thoughts around this time, and heightened anxiety, but I was ignoring them, explaining them away.

Pretty soon a day couldn’t go by without having thoughts of hurting myself. But I ignored them or told myself I was exaggerating the situation.

Meanwhile, inside our house, life was slowly unraveling. I could barely get myself to get up to do laundry, cook, play with the kids. After a while, most of my day was spent on the couch, just trying to distract myself from how miserable and empty and overwhelmed I was.

And then one day, I’d had enough. I got the name of a highly recommended therapist. I thought, well, maybe I’m a little depressed. I am excellent at hiding how I really feel, so Dan was understandably a little confused. I sat on that therapists phone number for over a month before I finally decided to call.

Things snowballed pretty quickly after that. I was put on Prozac for major depression (even I had no idea how depressed I was. Seeing yourself check of one yes after another is quiet the wakeup call). I was seeing a therapist and a phsychiatrist. There was some question of whether or not I had a mood disorder.

Going on the Prozac made things horrifically worse. I was agitated and frightened. I wanted to hurt myself all the time. I would swing from crushing depression to periods of mania. One time I stayed away for 3 days straight cleaning my house. I felt amazing and on top of the world.

So I was diagnosed as Rapid Cycling Bipolar. They added Abilify to my meds. Every few weeks my Prozac would get increased because my depression was just getting worse and worse. Then I’d have more swings and manic behavior and they’d increase the Abilify.

Over time, the depression became such a problem that Dan was spending more time at home than at work. My sister and friends, my mother in law were all constantly checking in, offering help. Help I didn’t know how to ask for. Because the biggest cause of anxiety and depression were my children. There were days I could cry because I could not even look at them. When the thought of having to spend the day alone, in charge of their care, seemed overwhelming and impossible. I didn’t even feel like I could take care of myself.

It was at this time that thoughts of hurting myself peaked, which was really very frightening. So I talked to my therapist and my psychiatrist, who recommended I go in for inpatient treatment at the hospital. Which is an experience that deserves a blog of it’s own.

Needless to say, at the hospital I received another diagnosis: Clinical Depression. Here and there for months people had been throwing around the idea that I also had Postpardum depression as well. I’m still not sure how that works. I’ve been depressed before I had kids, so maybe that part is the Clinical Depression and right now it’s a postpardum thing? I’m still learning. At any rate, I was taken off of the Prozac and Abilify and put onto Celexa.

Which is neither here nor there. Because Monday I started Outpatient treatment.  6 hours a day of therapy which is intense and exhausting.

Today I met with a Psychiatrist/Psychologist who works with the practice. He thinks I have Postpardum Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder. For the third time since this started, I have different meds; Zoloft and Lamictal, in case you were wondering.

At this point, I am just along for the ride, I figure. I am starting to slowly research what all these labels mean, what they mean for me, and what I can do. Writing about these things is good. For me. To admit to feelings I normally would ignore or repress or wish away. Writing has always been so therapeutic for me.  You guys, unfortunately, are just along for the ride.

So it’s another day and another diagnosis. I’m slowling learning that this isn’t something I can control. It’s not my fault. All I can do is hold on until it gets better. Which I am promised it will.

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12 Comments»

  Noreen wrote @

I love you sweet Tania, please know I am here for you too. Please call if you need to. I take Prozac for depression/anxiety, and have been for counseling 3 seperate times myself. I am praying for you .

  Lori wrote @

And I just love you all the time…..but you already knew that!

  Bill wrote @

It’s an on-going war, and there may never be a day when you feel “cured.” But, you WILL look back and notice you feel more cured than before; that will continue until the worst nightmares are difficult to remember.

Just remember, the only way to lose the battle is to ignore it or give in to the self-harming thoughts. Every other action is a win. Seriously, even giving in to the pain and grieving for a day or two is a win as long as you are working through it, and not hurting yourself. When those thoughts happen (and they probably will), just find another adult and let them carry you for a little bit.

I cannot express in words how proud I am of you; that you continue to seek help, and that you did not take yourself away from us. If I had emotions myself, I’d be tearing up right now just writing this.

Just know three things for me:
1.) you’re not alone, despite what the “other you” tells yourself in those dark moments
2.) it’s not your fault
3.) I can probably help, regardless of the circumstance

  Jen wrote @

My favorite sentence was “It’s not my fault”. None of this is your fault, and those are the exact words I’ve been wanting to tell you. You have not chosen to feel this way or to go through this, you have no control over the fact that it happened. This isn’t a conscious decision that you made, nor is the way you feel about your kids. I think by now you know you can’t force anything. You have done what you can control, you decided this wasn’t right and began the long and confusing journey to help yourself. For that, and a lot of other things, I am so incredibly proud of you. Thank you for writing this.

  Maura wrote @

I feel like following up a comment from Bill is silly since he says it all and he understands it all.

I can only say thank you for fighting this. You are 100% irreplaceable. You are amazing, beautiful, smart, and not a burden. We are all here, and we will always be here.

  Dan wrote @

Just like you… Completely selfless, for your entire life. And after everything you have been through, your concern for other people is stronger than ever. You’ve shared some personal things on a chance that it may help someone else. This is one of many reasons that I love You. I’m proud of you for the strength you’ve had over the past few months while you’ve battled this, I am proud of you for your victories.

  Stacy Fair wrote @

I am so proud that you could share this information with others. I know I was struggling some difficult feelings after having Elizabeth that I definitely didn’t think or plan on having.

Also as a clinician and I know I don’t know you very well I still can’t imagine the personality disorder diagnosis being accurate. Personality disorders are very severe and considered to be incurable by some, and again from what I know and what I remember from high school I can’t imagine you really fit this diagnosis. If you have any mental health questions, please let me know!

  Liz wrote @

I love you Tania. You are in my thoughts and heart.

  Daniella wrote @

Hello Tania. I admire your courage and your honesty. I cannot imagine how difficult it is to open up like this. It really means that you are ready to fight for what you believe and what you love most in life.

You have it in you to try out whatever is necessary to get better, you have seen your loved ones to survive under the most difficult situations, and this is what you know, and who you are, a fighter, a believer!

I will be following your posts because it will give me hope and strengh, and I hope one day I can help you, as much as this words help me.

I love you,

  tanya wrote @

Dear Tania my dear nephew
I am proud of you.It´s no easy to share feeling somtimes.I am here for you as a listener ,reader and as your aunt,who knows you,and knows you are a wondefull woman.I love you.

  Kristin wrote @

*hugs* And I want to quote what Maura wrote….

  tanya Venturini wrote @

I love you Tania.


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