Tania's Words

here is an empty shell- a resonant shadow- waiting

Archive for Books

Enduring

Last night I traveled with my sister and mom up to Gaylord to visit my grandmother for what is probably the last time. There are a lot of things inside me I could talk about here, but I find goodbyes of all sorts to be the most painfully intimate moments of life. I hope any family or friends who read this know that I’m not skipping over these moments, but holding them close.

On the drive up, I experienced one of those indelible life moments, the kind that you know with clarity, at that second, will never leave. Even if they are the smallest, even if there’s nothing you could point to later and say, “There, that was it. That is the reason this stayed with me.” Certainly, here, the circumstance surrounding it plays a part in why this will always persist.

But what’s funny is that years from now I know that what I’ll remember most from these days, and weeks, and the transition we’re all going through, won’t be the goodbye. It will be a clear, cold night — the moment between sundown and spilled ink dark, when the sky retains something of a purple light — on I-75, Hozier in the background and a beautiful, blinding moon through the passenger window in a car carrying three women who have loved and argued, misunderstood, maybe mistrusted, experienced very real heartbreak, but loved, and loved, and loved each other.

Perhaps when everything else from this week fades away, years from now, I’ll remember my mother’s words — that she’s the one person left who has known her mother longest — and think of the ways in which our lives tie together. It’s not all pretty woven tapestries. But maybe in the knots, in the tangles you work and work to untangle — even when you have to put them down and walk away because you know you’ll break something otherwise — the last thing we’ll have is knowing that we made these lives. These connections. And if we’re really lucky, despite it all, kept them.

Advertisements

That shouldn’t hurt

How did sitting on my butt all day make me so sore?

Mom had another surgery yesterday; despite the 2.5-3 hour estimate, the surgery took over 4. Then they said recovery would be about 2 hours, but they wouldn’t let us back to be with her for it (which they’ve never done before), and it took longer than 2.5 hours. Plus sitting in pre-op, all of this equals sitting in a hospital chair for so many hours. I got up to walk around, but I never wanted to stray far just in case they were gonna come talk to us. Apparently I didn’t walk around enough.

Today I’m going back in to hang out with Mom, and I am just sitting here dreading having to sit there. I wonder if that awesome stretchy yoga Maura and I did would be frowned upon in there. There’s not much room for it. And I don’t remember the name of it so I can’t find it online until Maura rescues me with a link. Maura always rescues me, she’s the best biffer out there.

I have got to get more active. I know I am one of millions who say this all the time. My body feels like this weird stagnant thing. I have a lot more time coming up since the semester is over. I need to find a form of exercise I like, and generally you have to pay for them — I need the whole “lost in the music in my own world doing something repetitive thing”. Like swimming. I need an indoor pool. That kind of exercise is like meditating, it’s so good for clearing my thoughts and silencing my very very very busy brain. It’s good for my self esteem too, because I always feel like when I push myself and focus on my body and health like that, it demonstrates my determination in a way I don’t acknowledge in my day-to-day life.

Right now it’s seven in the morning and I am famished. I am never hungry in the morning, so this is memorable. Maybe I’ll wander in search of sustenance. Or coffee.

Status update

Yes, another thrilling blog entry title. You’re at the edge of your seat, of course.

Or not. Whatevs, it’s cool, we can work with that.

Currently I am attempting to sit on a bed covered in laundry that must be folded and put away. I’ve been here for an hour contemplating said laundry. Instead of doing it, I shirk my duty to update tiny things on this blog: the blog roll, my profile, etc. I’m not sure if my priorities are straight here, but we can all wear wrinkled clothes for a bit.

Tomorrow I have another of my epic Thursday;s, the 12 hour day which includes the commute to MSU, working in the Writing Center, class, commute back to pick up kids, attempt to settle them into bed about 2 hours after bedtime, then get ready for my Friday commute to work.

But it’s my last Thursday doing so. After that, a semester of waiting to a) hear if I got into the program and b) doing nothing to earn money unless I find some sort of gainful employment. I suppose I could say I’m writing, but that doesn’t pay the bills or justify sending Lucas off to daycare — a year we committed to so I can’t back out. Sigh.

Uhh? Whathewho?

It might be time….to revive this thing. We’ll see. Dun dun duuuuun….

On being bamboozled by life

Let’s see, what did Tania do today.

I slept. I ate. I watched bad reality tv, some re runs of Glee. I was absolutely, unequivocably bored. So freaking bored.

Today was Day Two of Dan’s getting Tania healthy campaign. As I finally succumbed to the death cold that has been making the rounds, Dan decided to take yesterday off work (he had today off), so he could watch Parker while I focused on getting better.  First let me say, my husband is a treasure. He makes me delicious grilled cheese sandwiches, and fully encourages me to eat ice cream in the middle of the day. After he goes to buy it.  But two days of laying around watching tv, no matter how crappy I was feeling (very, very crappy)…it got old.

Let me just say, that at first it seems great. But when you are used to having your time be constantly in demand, used to feeling like you always have ten million things to do, time enough to do only one million, and the will to do about 0, having lots of unstructured time can be a terrible thing.

I could have spent the time reading. Working on one of my three yet to be finished novels. Blogging, reading other peoples blogs, etc. I would have liked to be able to do stuff like clean and do laundry, but to be honest, I was a little too out of commission for that. Instead of doing any of the above, I spent hours rearranging my farm on Farmville. Playing Zuma Blitz in a sad attempt to beat my mother in laws high score (I came close but no cigar). Watching Sandra Bullock movies.

And then, it dawns on me. In three months, we have a new baby coming into our home. That means at least a six month hiatus from any real attempts at writing and editing. If I get my act together enough for Nano (which I could not do right after I had Parker), I’ll be shocked. And in these three months, I still have to get my house back together after the floor fiasco, get the baby stuff set up, and take care of all my Vice Chair responsibilities for Relay for Life. Let’s not even talk about the fact that Relay will be 21 days after my scheduled C Section, unless I can somehow convince this little guy to come the right way a little early.

The truth is, I am easily distracted. I lack focus and drive. I am continually bamboozled by my own life. My house is a mess, the inside of my head is a war zone, and I feel like I have no control in my life. And I know that about 80% of that is pregnancy related. I felt this way when I was pregnant with Parker; only this time I have all this extra anxiety. Out of nowhere, I am an anxiety riddled mess.  Hormones are the pits sometimes people.

At the end of the day, I feel like I need a plan. A plan that ensures that I will keep writing, keep editing, and keep persuing the things that make me happy.  I know that the odds that I’ll ever get published are small, and I don’t really care. I love writing, I love the books I am writing and working on, and I love that I am a writer. I don’t want to lose that in the chaos of being a mom, a wife, going back to school eventually…in life. So if you have a plan, suggestions, or ideas for me, please feel free to shoot them on over.

 

NaNoWriMo!

Yes, it is November 18th, so perhaps a bit late to inform you guys that I won’t be around for the month due to NaNo! I’m doing well so far, with about 36 thousand words written; slower than last year, but ahead of schedule!  Hopefully you’ll be seeing more of me come December, once my brain has recovered.

If you are curious, or just have no idea what I am talking about, check the website out! http://www.nanowrimo.org.

I really, really love this tea. Really.

I definitely should not be blogging right now. First, I am wearing my glasses, which means I can barely see the computer screen, much less the words. The only thing that can come of this are some typos. Second, I am tired. Really tired. For some reason I thought it was a great idea to do two workouts yesterday. In the morning, Laura and Maura came over (with Samantha and Robbie), and we did The Biggest Loser Weight Loss Yoga. Really,  the three of us doing hard yoga while trying to keep the kids from beating each other was hilarious. I think Dan got a big kick out of it, we looked like fools. Later that day I went to Maura’s, as she had just borrowed the Jeri Love, Get Ripped, 1000 DVD.  I don’t know what is wrong with us, that we were so excited to try it out we could not wait. It was a 1000 calorie workout, and it was hard! I really liked it though. It was a great challenge, and Jeri Love was awesome! I was totally prepared not to like her based on her outfit. This sounds lame, but really, you have to like the person leading the workout, or it just won’t work. And she was wearing leopard print and one of the backup women was wearing  leather pants. It didn’t bode well, but it worked out!

Of course, I am a bit sore now, as that was two in one day. I followed that up with a small amount of sleep, and am capping that with my new will to drink less soda.  Which is going well, so far as consumption goes. As far as mood….well we will leave that alone for a bit.  I am trying to take it slow, and cut down for now, and then in a few weeks cut down again. Right now I am drinking tea to save my life. I am of course, drinking my favourite tea, a loose leaf tea from Teavana which was a Christmas gift from Dan’s Mom. I love it so much, I’ll probably cry when I am done with the canister (at this rate, that will be tomorrow). In case you are curious, it is the Flavoured White called Strawberry Paraiso. So yummy. Now that I’ve discovered the website, I’ll probably be on for an hour, picking out my next tea. So exciting!

I am getting so pumped for Relay for Life. Our team already has 10 members! Last year it was just Maura and I, so this feels great. I have high hopes that this year will finally be more like our first year, when we had a big team and so much fun.  Not that the other years weren’t fun, but things just seem to go better and run more smoothly in the campsite with more of us to help out!

I have to say that I love being on the committee, and planning for the event, and most of all, I love the feeling of purpose and family that it gives me. I am hoping to get a blog post together soon about why I am so invested in Relay.  But for now, you all might just have to accustom yourselves to my Relay related tweets and such.

In unrelated news, I have to share that my son is the sweetest little boy that ever did live. All morning he has been taking play breaks to come over and lay his head in my lap and just cuddle. Then he goes back to playing.  It is nice, he usually isn’t that independant when it is just the two of us…he likes to have my undivided attention. For the most part, today, he has been occupying himself. It is wonderful!

Otherwise, I started yet another Pride and Prejudice sequel. As promised, I am reading Amanda Grange’s Mr. Darcy’s Diary. It is much more readable and enjoyable than the others I have read. It is by no means great literature, but I will definitely be able to finish this one. As you can see on her website, she has taken this same premise (first person diary format) to re-tell familiar stories from another character’s point of view. Which is interesting, but I doubt I’ll read more. While I am liking the book, it’s not one I’d read again, nor does it contain any huge revelations or aha! moments. For the most part, it isn’t anything I couldn’t have surmised myself. It is very straightforwardly written and executed. I would hope that with that sort of a platform, a writer could really use their imagination and create something compelling. I would only recommend this to a die hard P&P fan who wants to get a little taste of Mr. Darcy’s take on what went on.

I finally found my copy of Cry, the Beloved Country. One of the reasons I couldn’t finish it was because I could not find it- but I did manage at last to locate it, buried in the mess on my desk, which I successfully cleaned off yesterday. As soon as I’ve finished this P&P book, I will finish Cry, and then I must finish editing Maura’s first draft and get it back to her. And then I must read Dangerous Liasons, as it was my SRP pick for the month and I haven’t even found it to buy yet. I will check Amazon.

In non book related news (Yes I know, it is shocking), in a few weeks we will have a new niece! We are so excited to meet little Eva Jan! I have some gifts at the ready for her and Mommy, and am impatiently waiting my chance to dole them out.   And soon after, we will have yet another little niece! I am so blessed to have a wonderful family, and we are all so blessed with these beautiful children. I have so much to be thankful for, and yet rarely take the time to reflect on that. I think it would do me a lot more good to reflect on my blessings, than to lament my losses- this is something I will try to work on this year.

And I will finish with another quiz. First to answer gets points. Name the song , “I’d like to make myself believe that planet earth moves slowly.”